Monday, October 4, 2010

Battling My Bulge

Although I blog regularly at My Life After Loss, I've decided to start a new blog to document my struggle with my weight.  At this point, this blog is a private journal for me, but, perhaps in the future, I will make it a public journey.  I'm just not at a place where I can do that at present.  I need some "me time", some "alone time" in this journey.

This blog began after I wrote this post, in which I discuss seeing myself as a fat woman. It was at this point that I realized, truly, that I have a problem that needs to be addressed.

There are biological reasons for why I carry extra weight.  I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, aka PCOS, as well as Hashimoto's (autoimmune) Thyroiditis, which is a form of hypothyroidism.  Both of these disorders lead to an increase in weight and difficulty in losing weight.  However, there I am also an emotional eater and dont work out nearly as much as I should.  After dealing with infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss, as well as currently raising infant/toddler twins, my grief and stress levels are through the roof.  I used to be a decent vegetarian, however, I've now integrated meat into my diet 10% of the time.  Although it is organic and raised well, it still adds to increased cholesterol and weight gain.

Emotionally, I am at a place where the extra weight is a burden on my heart.  I also dont want my children to grow up with an unhealthy attachment to food, or viewing thinness as godliness.  I want them to know that their health is most important.  But, to know that, they need to see it.

And, right now, I am not that example.  But I want to be.  And so, it's time.

This is me today, at 238 lbs:

This is the me of 1998, when I was about 150 lbs.  While I was quite a bit younger, this is where I'd like to get close to, weight wise.

I know it will be hard.  But I have to do it.  For my family.  For me.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  Or, in this case, a single blog entry.