Monday, April 18, 2011

Fighting Myself

Sometimes, my strongest enemy is myself.  You would think that realizing my issues and tackling them head-on would somehow help me keep my demons at bay... But no.

Saturday, the Respect Life Committee that Peter and I chair together for our church threw a tea party.  It was a blazing success!  And, because it was tea, there were delicious scones and fruit, tasty tea sandwiches, and outstanding desserts... And, because I should (or is this "could"), I ate them...  And long after I wasnt hungry (I wasnt hungry to start if I'm honest, because I snacked beforehand, with the thought that I could stay the hell away from the high calories at the tea itself).  In one day, the scale showed a 2.5 pound increase come Sunday morning.  I wasn't happy, to say the least.

But Sunday was my long run and, even though I'd only planned a 9 mile outing (1/2m walk warm-up, 8 mile run, 1/2m walk cool-down), I ended up running NINE miles and making it a 10 mile day!  Which had me on cloud nine.  I felt it in my muscles and joints afterwards (and this morning) no doubt, but not in a bad way.  In a "you did it!!!" sort of way.  And it was great.  Absolutely great.

I came home, grabbed a quick shower, and got prepared for the final meeting of our lenten scripture study (Peter and I hosted a 6 week study through the Sunday scriptures of Lent).  Afterwards, as was the tradition, we had a potluck.  Utter deliciousness...  My mother made a chicken marsala TO DIE FOR.  It was all good... So very good...

And so, you guessed it, I ate.  More than I should have.  Even after my stomach said "HEY! YOU!  I'M DONE!!!".  Because, really, that means, "Shove in another brownie (or two) and dont forget to finish your wine!"

I know better.  That's the worst part.  I truly know better.  And I know that I tend to struggle more in groups.  Part of it is that I dont want people to think I'm depriving myself (because I'm not).  Part of it is that the food is good and I want more (even when my body doesnt).  I lost 65 pounds in 6 and a half months by listening to my body... By making better choices.  And now, when I'm so close- 25 pounds- to my goal, I'm falling short... I'm fighting myself.  The evil monkey and the good one...  Hand to hand (or maybe hand to mouth??) combat.

My mantra has been "Today is a new day".  And it is.  A day of better choices.  A day of going back to what works.  To realizing that I am a snacker... And that is okay.  Because low calorie, healthy snacks are a good way to eat, and grazing is better for my body that sticking to meals.

But it pisses me off- in the WORST way- that my runner's high is overshadowed by my eater's guilt.  9 miles is the longest I have ever run in my life.  It is a day that I am so proud of... To let it be weighed down by bad choices is a heartbreak.

But today... today is a new day.  Today is a day that I CAN make better choices.  It doesnt need to be about the scale; it needs to be- no it HAS TO BE- about making the positive choices- the healthy choices- that got me here in the first place.  And it will be.

Because I'm stronger than this and, even if I dont know it, I'm stronger than the brownies too...